An Open Letter To MF Doom.

 

Dear Daniel Dumile a.k.a. MF Doom a.k.a. Zev Love X a.k.a. King Geedorah a.k.a. Metal Fingers a.k.a. Viktor Vaughn a.k.a. Ducktor Doom a.k.a. Victor von Doom a.k.a. Mr. Soft Taco a.k.a. Mr. 78’ Cutlass a.k.a. “That Guy Who Enjoys Fingerpainting.”

I’m writing this as a concerned artist, business-owner and generally even-keeled loather of all things douche-like.

It came to my attention in late 2007 that you pulled a series of no-shows and Super Dave-esque stunt double lip-syncing fiascos in Pomona, San Diego, San Francisco, Rock The Bells in San Bernardino and then in Atlanta. The latter saw the crowd throwing beer at your body double, who subsequently exited the stage only to steal all the merch money and door receipts, insuring noone would be granted a refund for your clone’s piss-poor Milli Vanilli routine. Classy.

The whole thing was shrug-inducing because I’m not a huge fan of your body of work, so pardon my inability to completely connect with the disdain of someone paying $25 dollars to see a slightly rotund, middle aged man in a dirty Gladiator mask stand around onstage and talk into a microphone only to be duped into watching a presumably younger, slightly-less rotund man in a dirty Gladiator mask stand around onstage and pretend to talk into a microphone. As the old folks say, “buyer beware”.

It was shrug-inducing, that is, until someone passed me a link to a discussion in which a talent buyer for a well-known Cali venue clearly states;

 

“…needless to say, hiphop will not be taking place at the venue again (we will still book alternative artists like sage, atmosphere, subtle, all through legit agencies that we regularly do business with).”

 

Ok, now wait a minute.

You pissing on your most dedicated fans by cheating them out of their hard-earned cash, while being completely foul, was ultimately no business of mine. At worst it might create a small conundrum for Doom fans torn between investing money in your possibly fraudulent live show or using that loot to re-up on another sack of Northern Lights kush. Not a tough call, I’d assume.

But on the flipside, seeing talent buyers publically saying they’ll only book “alternative artists” like Sage and Atmosphere (Holy awkward racial undertones, Batman) in the future because of your method of handling business? Now I have an issue.

See, people don’t buy much music anymore. Touring is what allows artists who aren’t supervillainous children of Latverian gypsies bent on world domination to meet our fans, fuel our art and put money into our projects and pockets. As part of an “indie” act that operates in the same ever-narrowing circles as you, I can definitely say the ability to book proper gigs with reputable promoters and venue operators is becoming more and more scarce by the month, especially with the poor reputation live hip-hop has for professionalism and punctuality as well as the economic woes of many venues and agencies. The recession is a sumbitch.

So, if any artist pisses off these promoters, fans or venue owners then ultimately they are fucking with my money.

I thought about discussing this last fall, but I decided against it in an attempt to stay away from negative energy. Fast-forward to August 9th 2008, and apparently “you” (I use the term loosely at this point) were at it again, having been re-booked at Rock The Bells in San Bernardino (How does that even happen?) and subsequently getting booed. Again.

Now, surely there is some type of explanation for all of this. Although it isn’t an excuse to be deceptive, some said you were dangerously ill. Personal health is no joke. Your label denied it, though, and continued pushing your tour dates and new remixes of your old product. Some people, like the only man to ever lie to our fans about our involvement in a live show just to sell tickets, one Mr. Jason Swartz (who also happens to be your booking agent) claimed in the Village Voice that this fuckery was a breath of fresh air and “just [your] style”. Yes, the same Mr. Swartz that intentionally misled our fans, the local promoters and operators of The Fox Theatre in Boulder back in 2005 in order to put a couple extra dollars in his pocket. Hmm, sounds familiar.

But I digress. Maybe you had a string of family emergencies. Maybe you developed consistent, unshakable Traveler’s Diarrhea. Maybe you were fed up with curly-haired, New Era-wearing snowboarders asking you to sign their $300 Doom SB Dunks. Maybe you simply got tired of the smell inside of that mask. Who knows.

Yeah, you’re the “villain” or whatever gimmick you use to sell records. I’ve even seen a couple people calling this fiasco “brilliant”. Oh, the sweet Rap Snack™-flavored irony of anti-mainstream types letting this slide by deeming it “genius marketing”. Genius marketing? Beanie Babies, Hannah Montana, Girls Gone Wild. Those are examples of genius marketing. This looks like a lazy or medically incapacitated individual duping his most dedicated fans repeatedly to the tune of a few thousand dollars while those that also stand to profit (read: labels, friends and booking agents) scuttle around attempting to make excuses for him before the loot dries up.

Whatever the case may be, I implore you and anyone involved in this to stop screwing your fans and your peers and get your ducks in a row. Don’t make me throw on some blue stretch leotards and put out a solo record.

Your Friend In Jesus,
Kno of CunninLynguists

 

A-FUCKING-MEN! Kno is not alone in this argument. I have said the same thing plenty of times whenever people ask me my opinion about DOOM. I have LOVE/HATE relationship with DOOM as an artist. While I love his body of music NOW, I initially HATED his style at first and it took many many listens before I caught on to the whole thing. Its definitely not something you get off the bat at all, you need to disect and you either appreciate it or you hate it. Simple as that. Thats the best way I can describe his music. Now as far as his live shows go or lack their of, I can not respect the man 1 bit for playing out his fans like he has continually done over and over and over time and time again. MF DOOM would be as Kno stated, some Middle Aged, over weight Herb in a Gladiator mask who was (as Kanye & Nas put it) “Still Dreaming” if it wasn’t for his fans blowing him up to the underground music icon that he is today. Without those fans that dropped their hard earned money on all the DOOM Memorabilia (Albums, Shirts, Masks, Vynil Toys, Sneakers Etc.) and showing up to those sold out shows in hopes of seeing their favorite wierdo in a mask perform, he’d be a nobody and how does he repay them? By continually giving them the “Fuck you, I already have your money anyway” treatment once they get played with a fake DOOM and pissed off. It’s not “marketing genius”, it’s bad business and bad showmanship and just over all bad.

One of my best friends who actually put me on to DOOM said to me when we were having this discussion one day “But he’s The Villain, not The Hero…He’s not supposed to be a good guy”. MAN…FUCK THAT. Listen, as cool as it is to think so, as much as you can relate to Dr. Doom in your own personal ways and as much as you’d like to believe you’re really a “Super Villain”…You’re not. At the end of the day, you’re MF DOOM, a Hip Hop artist who has fans who support you and should be treated with the same respect and love they’re giving you, back. You’re not a fucking Super Villain from a comic book. I understand the parallels between Hip Hop and Alter Ego’s in comic books but nyone who is THAT far deep into their “Alter Ego” needs to not only be re-evaluated by a professional psychologist but re-evaluate their lives as to what they want to do with it.

Another lame excuse given by the man himself in interviews and said on skits as well is “The villain is you, the villain is me, anyone wearing the mask becomes MF DOOM. MF DOOM is bigger than just me. Anyone who puts on the mask becomes MF DOOM.” Word? Really? So if I put on an MF DOOM mask and rob a couple banks and get bagged, you think the Judge at my hearing will be cool with that? You down to do my bid for me after that? BER! You can’t just say “Oh he had the mask on that day so he’s MF DOOM”, the fans aren’t paying for the mask, they’re paying for the whole package, YOU…IN THE MASK…PERFORMING YOUR MUSIC…LIVE. Not some look alike (sometimes awful ones at that) in the mask and doorag, lip syncing the words as the cd plays in the backdrop. That stunt and excuse are both a slap in the face to your fans AGAIN!

So while I love MF DOOM’s music and as a comic book fan and Marvel fan, I appreciate the whole Dr. Doom gimmick he has to accompany it, I can not stand any artist who play out their fans and in this instance over and over and over with no shame. I own a pair of MF DOOM Dunks that were given to me as a birthday gift and a couple pieces of clothing MF DOOM related that were all given to me as gifts from people who knew I was a fan of his music but apart from those few things, I do not and will not own any of his music on hardcopy because I refuse to drop MY money as a fan on someone who’s just going to take advantage of that and never give anything back to ME as a fan. Any MF DOOM cd I bump is bootleg, burned on to a CD or downloaded off the internet and straight to the ipod. I refuse to drop 1 cent on ANY artist who conducts themselves like this because it’s uncalled for. Without those fans you’d be NOTHING at the end of the day.

So big up to Kno for taking his time and writing all of that even though I’m sure it’ll go in one ear and right out the other.